I Don't Want Children, And That's OK

It's been almost a year since Stu and I got married, and one of the questions that seems to pop up more and more since we hit that 6 month mark is, 'When are you having children?'. There are whole bunch of reasons that asking people this is problematic, and why we should stop asking this question. 

So, first things first. I hate this question. It's invasive and it makes certain assumptions. It assumes that we want children, and it assumes that we are physically able to have children. I have no idea if I can have children or not, I've never had any desire to try to have one and I've never been pregnant, but I do know a great many people who have tried to conceive and have been unable to, or have struggled to. I've seen the pain in people's eyes when people have asked them about babies, and seen the hurt those questions have caused. I can't speak about other people's pain, but I can suggest that asking very personal questions about people's ability to conceive is certainly not going to help. In the future I hope people stop asking what I consider to be a very private question, that is really only a subject to be discussed between partners.

I don't want children. I've never been filled with the desire to have them. I'm not someone who is filled with delight at babies. I've never been that way. There's nothing 'wrong' with me, despite what people have suggested over the years, it's just not for me. I have 3 awesome older step children, and I know some great kids, I'm better with them once they are a bit older. I'll make a fantastic bad influence of an Auntie once your kid starts getting an interest in music! People talk about the 'maternal instinct', whether it exists or not is a different debate entirely, but I know I don't have that feelings others seem to have when they see a blooming pregnant belly or a baby bouncing in a pram.

I've heard all the usual platitudes people offer when I say I don't want children. 'You'll change your mind when you get older' (I'm almost 30), 'It's different when they're your own' (but what if it's not?), 'But who'll look after you when you get old?' (what a terrible reason to have children!) and more. I think my personal favourites are 'You're being selfish', because surely it's more selfish to bring an unwanted child into the world, and 'What will you leave behind when you're gone?', and well, I'd like to hope that people see people who have children as more than just parents. I'd like to think that I'll leave behind writing that might have helped someone, or photos that have inspired someone. And if I don't achieve that, then my life won't have been hollow and empty simply because I didn't have children.

It seems to be a question that is aimed far more at women than it is at men. I'm not less of a woman because I've made a decision to not have children, having children does not make someone a woman. What defines being a woman is simply someone defining themselves as a woman! There is a huge amount of pressure on women to fulfil certain roles in society, we are to be wives, mothers, cleaners, carers, we are to meet a man and have 2.4 children and a white picket fence and a dog. It is incredibly sexist to assume that because I am a woman, I should want children. It's not something people seem to ask men is it? I can't recall anyone asking my husband about him having children, whereas I've been asked dozens of times since we got married.

Not everyone wants the same things from life, and that's what makes the world go round! Some people want to travel the earth, some have fantastic collections they've accrued over the years, other people fill their lives with rescue animals, some want to write and others feel music deep within their souls. All these things help make us the diverse and unique individuals we are, and that includes whether or not we might want children. The world would be a very boring place if we all had the same desires.

Asking people when they are having children is such an invasive and private question. Many people want children, and a growing number of us don't, and that's OK! So next time you might want to ask someone when they are having children, just take a moment and reconsider before you do.

Much love, 

Kitty xxxx

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